My Plan For Gitmo Detainees

To: Barack Obama

Hey, Chief;

I know I have occasionally been a tad bit disrespectful to you so I would understand if you choose to blow me off. But before you do, please hear me out. I have a proposition to make that, I’m sure, should be beneficial to you. Of course there will be some benefit for me too. You know how the old saying goes; “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.” So what d’ya say we bury the hatchet and see if we can’t work together?

You see, this current economic slump has created a real problem for me. I'm kind of a community organizer; I run a “faith-based” residential facility for the elderly (I know you are a man of great visible faith; the U.S. News and World Report says so.) so you might be interested in this.

We are really struggling to keep our head above water these days. Most of those elderly people in our target market are nervous and uncertain about their financial security and the stability of their children and consequently, it is difficult to market our services these days. Our occupancy is way down and our income is insufficient to support our budget (please don’t get the wrong idea; I’m not asking you for a government bailout). We have about 60 unoccupied rooms and we desperately need occupants. The bottom line is, if we do not increase our occupancy, we will be forced to lay off more employees.

That’s where you come in. You are committed to closing Hotel Gitmo and evicting the residents. But you have a problem. NO ONE in the world wants them (except for Germany; they’ll take one). So what do you do? You have bodies and I have rooms. Voila! You need me and I need you.

So, if you would be so kind, please send them my way. I’m sure the generous subsistence they will receive from the government at taxpayers’ expense should be more than adequate to cover our low rental rates. This proposal is really a win/win for both of us. I could provide housing for about 120 of them (double occupancy). Think of all the taxpayer money you can save. You will not have to build new prisons or alternate detainment centers and, by locating all your detainees in one place, the government could save lots of money that might otherwise be spent to “watch” them.

And don’t worry about them being terrorists. At one time, lots of us worried about that but this is a new era in our history. We no longer fear terrorists. As a matter of fact, we kinda feel like kindred spirits with them since your Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano has deemed most patriotic or religious citizens, extremist terrorists. We’ll get along just fine.

Great plan, don’t ya think? Let me know A.S.A.P. I can have the rooms ready to occupy in about two weeks (we’ll need a little time to remove the Bibles from the rooms and replace them with Koran). Oh and we’ll need to remove the pork (the meat kind) from our menus (did I mention that we provide meals too?) Maybe we’ll need three weeks.

I'll be anxiously awaiting your response,

Sincerely yours,





Ralph M. Petersen