Sunday, November 22, 2009

Government Takeover of Television Talk Shows; The Oprabama Show

Dear Mr. O,

Bummer about that bad news, eh chief? Just when you are taking the hits about your grossly overstated estimates of jobs saved or created, Oprah drops the bomb. She will be ending her show and LAYING OFF 600 EMPLOYEES. That doesn't look very good for your economic policies.

But I have an idea about how you can turn this lemon into lemonade. Here's the plan:

GOVERNMENT TAKEOVER OF HER SHOW. After all, it's "too big to fail." And YOU could be the STAR. Think about it; "The Obama Show." This could really work for you because there are so many similarities in you and Oprah that the transition should be nearly seamless and the success can be almost guaranteed.

  • Oprah's father left when she was young and she was raised by a poor single mother. Hey, so were you.
  • There is some question of accuracy in her birth certificate. There is some question of the existence of your birth certificate.
  • Oprah also hails from Chicago.
  • Some considered her a likely prospect for U.S. senator from Illinois. You've been there.
  • You would not have to change the show's logo. You could just use the same letter, "O."
  • Oprah has millions of adoring fans. You used to have millions of adoring fans but I can't find too many of them that would admit that anymore.
  • Oprah loves you. YOU love you.
    Oprah is considered a spiritual leader. Some people think you are the messiah.
  • And, just like you, one of Oprah's favorite things is an open microphone that allows her to talk to millions of people.
  • Oprah used the backward spelling of her name, Harpo, for the name of her production company. Harpo is a Marx brother. It's ironic, isn't it, that you are a fan of another Marx?
  • Oprah loves to take her money and use it for the benefit of others. You also want to take HER money and use it for the benefit of others.
And one other thing. By taking over her show, you could actually save 600 real jobs as well as creating one new job - yours, because you're gonna need it when you are fired in 2012.

I hope this has been a helpful suggestion. I remain happy to help whenever I can.

Ralph M. Petersen

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Brown is the NEW Green

Fifteen years!

That's how long I have been the Administrator and President of Valley Christian Home (a residential facility for the elderly) in Hemet, CA.

And in all those years (and probably many more before me) we have been using those triple-fold paper towels in all our public restrooms and kitchens.

So a couple weeks ago I got involved in some purchasing activity after some staffing reductions (attributable to Obama's promises of Hope and Change). Staff had informed me that we were out of towels and needed to reorder. So when our supplier's sales rep showed up, I informed him of our need.

"Do you want the white towels or the 'green' towels" he asked.

"What are you talking about," I asked, "I've never heard of 'green' towels."

Then he explained, "The 'green' towels are the ones we used to call 'natural.' You know! The brownish colored ones that are manufactured from recycled paper."

"No thanks," I said, "I used to like green when it was a color in my Crayola box. Now that it is a religion, I hate green."

The he opened his price book and showed me that white towels were $40.00 per case and "green" towels were $20.00.

"O.K." I said, "I just changed my religion. Give me the 'green' towels."

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Nancy's Brain Damaged by Botox?

When you use too much Botox on your face, Do you think the tightening of your skin probably puts too much of a squeeze on your brain?

How else would you explain THIS?

Just Wondered!

Obama's Three Biggest Lies

  1. "I will not raise taxes on anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year."
  2. "If you like your health care plan, you can keep it."
  3. "I did not watch the election coverage Tuesday night."

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

My Personal Protection Assault Pitchfork

I've just added this one to my arsenal. When they come and take our guns away, I will still have my assault pitchfork.

I am already a member of the NRA but I'm thinking about starting a new organization - the NPA (National Pitchfork Association).

Looks great hanging from the mantle in my office, don'tya think?

I found the rifle stock at a swapmeet for $3.00. The pitchfork was at a yard sale for $3.00. And the sling was .75 cents at another garage sale.
Total cost - $6.75. Assembly time was 30 minutes.
Now I'm ready!