Thursday, March 27, 2014

How To Speak In Tongues

Wow! Don't bother watching the attached video. It is approximately 60 wasted minutes of inane, heretical drivel and unbiblical happycrap just to lead up to the actual how-to instructions which took about 30 seconds. Simply take a deep breath and then force out a string of mindless, disconnected, incoherent syllables.

I didn't find these "lessons" very helpful so I appealed to a different source. I found help when I became "filled" with corn chips from the Frito-Lay company. Near the bottom of the bag, when I was well-filled, I found an unusual chip with a dark spot that resembled a motorcycle. That was my sign; that was my miracle. That's when the great corn spirit brought to my mind (wait for it!), Japanese motorcycles.

The corn spirit gave me utterance as I recalled all the different brands; Suzuki, Yamaha, Honda, Kawasaki. That's when I knew I was on to something. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, emptied my mind, and opened my mouth, all while thinking about Frito-Lay's chips. Then it happened; the utterances just flowed naturally. "Honda-lay, Honda-lay Suzuki-lay Frito-Lay, Kawasaki-lay Honda-lay Yamaha-malay."

There, I've got it. I feel so much better, now, knowing that I will spend eternity in motorcycle heaven feasting on corn chips.

Next week I am going to try to learn how to regrow missing limbs while smacking amputees upside the head.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Crotchety Old Cranks, Crabs and Sour Pusses

I have worked with old people (or to be more politically correct; "people of age") for about 20 years and now I am one.  I first wrote this post in Nov of 2007 but it is still relevant because there is always a new group of codgers coming up to replace the old dead codgers.  

Have you heard the one about the old guy who entered the diner and asked, “Do you serve crabs here?”
The waitress responded, “Sure, have a seat sir; we’ll serve anyone.”

I stopped at a fast food restaurant one day last year just before Christmas. After the friendly clerk politely received my order, I moved aside and an old woman stepped to the counter. The same clerk took her order. “There you go!” she said pleasantly as she handed the woman a cup for the self-serve beverage bar.

The woman grumbled something unintelligible; I didn’t quite catch it; neither did the server.  “Pardon me?” she replied.

“There you go! THERE YOU GO!” snapped the customer. By now she was loud and obnoxious and had everyone’s attention. “Doesn’t anybody know how to say ‘thank you’ anymore?”

“Thank you,” the server responded curtly.

At the beverage bar, the customer became even more incensed as she found the coffee dispenser empty. I could tell this was going to get worse.

“Hey Miss ‘There You Go,’ the coffee pot is empty, ” she mockingly yelled at the counter clerk.

“Thank you” the server sharply replied as she moved quickly to refill the pot and then sarcastically snapped back, “There you go.” By now I was really amused by this incident and I found myself chuckling at the subtle, retaliatory justice the server was enjoying.

The amazing thing about the whole exchange is that the old woman was not a bit embarrassed by her own bad manners nor was she appreciative of the immediate, attentive service she received in spite of her rudeness. Instead, she continued to rant about how nobody is respectful or well-mannered anymore.

We often excuse that kind of bad behavior in older people, but there is no excuse for it; crankiness and rudeness are not normal results of the ageing process regardless of circumstances. In fact, as we grow older, we tend to become more of what we already are. Polite people become more pleasant in their old age. Rude and cranky people become more crass and obnoxious with the passing of time.

“Let your speech be always full of grace.” Col. 4:6

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Well How Did All That Hopey-Changey Stuff Work Out For You?

YOU voted for Him so quit your bellyaching.  Please forgive me for making this personal by using the pronoun, YOU.  Maybe you didn't vote for Him but the fact is, Obama won His elections by getting a little over 50% of the votes.  That means that, out of every two people in the room, one voted for Him and I know IT WASN’T ME (or I) SO, STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, IT HAD TO BE YOU.

Okay, I get it.  You voted for a guy without credentials, qualifications, experience, and credibility just because you wanted to feel good about being a part of an historic event that seated America’s first black president.  I know, you thought it was going to be the beginning of world peace, the end of racism in America and all that other irrelevant happycrap.  Well how did all that hopey-changey stuff work out for you?  Not so well, huh?  And why you voted for Him again a second time, I have no idea.  Nevertheless, now, thanks to you, we are all stuck with this lying, dithering, vacationing, inept, law-breaking tyrant for three more years until we get a chance to possibly redeem our Constitutional Republic from the grips of His Marxist regime (if it’s not too late).

But I am fearfully skeptical.  The reality is that lots of people are just slow learners and are willing to do the same stupid thing all over again hoping for different results.  You will run gleefully to the polls, ignoring facts and shunning reason, and you will proudly cast an irresponsible vote for a disastrous candidate just so that, next time, you can feel all warm and fuzzy about electing America’s first female president.  By the way, Hillary tried to pass her version of Obamacare, and failed, long before Obama even thought about it.  

I can’t talk you out of acting stupidly.  All I can do is pass on information so that you might be  equipped with sufficient knowledge to make a wise decision. You may recall, before you elected Him, He told us exactly what He intended to do.  You just didn’t listen and now He’s doing it.

If only one out of every 100 fools changes his ways in the next election, we may get another chance so this time LISTEN.  Just like Obama, Hillary has said plenty to give us a glimpse of what she believes and how she will preside. You might guess that the following quotes could have been uttered by the likes of Karl Marx, Adolph Hitler,  Joseph Stalin, Lenin, Mussolini, Idi Amin, Nikita Khrushev, Josef Goebbels, Mao Tse Tung, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong Il, or even Barack Obama.  But you would be wrong.  These words flowed freely from the heart and over the lips of Hillary Clinton.  So read them carefully and then next time, go vote Right.  If you continue to deliberately remain uninformed, fail to exercise discernment, thumb your nose at wise counsel, and continue to vote stupidly, we will get the government YOU deserve.

H/T to THE MASTER’S SLAVE  for compiling the following Hillary Clinton quotes:

1.      “We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.”

2.      “It’s time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few…And to replace it with shared responsibility, for share prosperity.”

3.      “(We)…can’t just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people.”

4.      “We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own…in order to create this common ground.”

5.      “I certainly think the free-market (system) has failed.”

6.      “I think it’s time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy, that they are being watched.”

Thursday, March 6, 2014

****Spiritual Fast Food

     Pastor, are your church's worship services Bible centered?  How much gospel preaching and expositional bible teaching do you accomplish in your church in one year?   Let’s run the numbers and see just how much the average church-goer hears if he attends one service each week for one year.

     The average length of a morning worship (and I use that term loosely) service is 90 minutes.  That adds up to 78 hours per year.

     After greetings and hugging, announcements, singing, special performances, and offerings, there are approximately 40 minutes left for a sermon (some churches go longer but they run the risk of losing those who are in a hurry to get to the restaurant in front of the crowds).  That leaves you just about 34.5 hours per year.

     Thirty-four and a half hours of bible teaching per year.  That’s not bad except for all those "other things".  If yours is a large church with a sizeable music department, there will be approximately three (maybe four) Sundays each year when your preaching will be suspended for a major musical/drama production.  That reduces your preaching time down to about 30 hours per year.  But wait.  What about the children?  Sunday School promotion Sunday with a special children’s program cuts your time down to about 29 hours.

     Are you going to take some vacation time?  If you are ultra-conservative and only take two weeks off, there’s another two Sundays gone.  And if you attend any conferences or if you are called away as a guest speaker in another church, you could easily miss an additional two weeks each year.  By the way, a significant portion of your congregation will use your absence as an excuse to skip church (I’m just sayin’).  The faithful ones will be subjected to a missionary report or a topical treatise by a Jr. guest pulpit filler.  That’s six fewer hours each year.  But that’s okay.  You still have 23 hours for good, solid bible teaching.

     What do you do with Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day, Grand parent's Day, Children's Day, Labor Day, Halloween, Veterans’ Day, New Year’s Day, Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday, Valentine’s Day, Memorial Day, Patriot’s Day, the local high school graduation and the Fourth of July?  If you forfeit even half of your allotted time to do any kinds of special tributes or self-help, how-to, Christian psych sessions, you could easily lose another ten hours.  That leaves you about thirteen hours to really impact your flock with good, solid, in-depth bible exposition if you don’t get sick.

     Thirteen hours a year.  That’s a little over one hour a month or fifteen minutes per week.  But don’t worry.  If they leave spiritually malnourished, they can always supplement their fast food diet with a happy meal from Joel Osteen.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

My Bucket List

Saturday was my birthday so first I want to say "Thank You" to everyone who wished me a happy day.

But this particular day was different from all the others.  When my pastor emailed a happy birthday greeting to me, I thanked him and then reminded him that “today begins my exit year,”  To which he inquired, “OK, so what’s on your bucket list?

This birthday was #66; a unique day that I have been anticipating for about ten years.  This birthday marks the year that I have been predicting my death since 2004.  I am not going to elaborate on why or how in this column.  It is a whole column on its own and you can read all about it here.

Of course I say all this with tongue in cheek.  I don’t pretend to have any special gift of prophecy nor am I planning suicide.

However, I do know that as good, and strong, and healthy, and capable as I felt ten years ago, at age 66, I see the evidence of rapid deterioration and I sense the imminent approach of death.  And I am not going bore you all with whiny complaints about my ailments, pains, disabilities, or weaknesses; there are plenty of other people around us who love to do that.  

Instead, I’ll just refer to this old song, written by Stuart Hamblin.   I heard it often when I was a child.  I appreciate it much better now; all the things he mentioned in the song, I understand now by experience.

“This Old House” is a metaphor for the run-down body of an old man.  He was once a strong protector who now, can’t even get up to go hunting with his dog.  He’s weak and worn out.  His joints creak and ache and things just don’t work right anymore.  His senses are dim and his memory is fading.  But he is looking forward to the day when God will raise him up with a brand new, incorruptible "house" and usher him into glory.  What a glorious day that will be.

(Disclaimer - I'm not going to edit any part of these song lyrics.  If you think anything in this song is racist, please spare me from your inane comments.  Get a dictionary, get educated, and then get a life.)

This old house once knew my children
     This old house once knew my wife
This old house was home and shelter as we fought the storms of life
     This old house once rang with laughter
This old house heard many shouts
     Now she trembles in the darkness when the lightnin' walks about.

This old house is getting shaky
     This old house is getting old
This old house lets in the rain and this old house lets in the cold
     On my knees I'm getting chilly
But I feel no fear or pain
     'Cause I see an angel peeking through a broken window pane.

Now my old dog lies asleepin'
     He don't know I'm gonna leave
Else he'd wake up by the fireplace and he'd sit there, howl and grieve.
     But my hunting days are over
Ain't gonna hunt the 'coon no more
     Gabriel done brought in the chariot when the wind blew down the door,

Ain't gonna need this house no longer
     Ain't gonna need this house no more
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
     Ain't got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
      Nor to mend the window pane
Ain't gonna need this house no longer
     I'm getting ready to meet the saints

I guess I kinda identify with this prayer of Moses, "... I am not able to bear all these people alone, because the burden is too heavy for me.   If You treat me like this, please kill me here and now—if I have found favor in Your sight—and do not let me see my wretchedness!”  Numbers 11:14-15

BUCKET LIST?  Are you kidding?  I ain’t got no stinkin’ bucket list.  I have never thought about making a bucket list.  But, since he brought it up, I have been thinking about some things I would like to do before I leave.

  • I think I would like to have a classic Harley Davidson motorcycle.
  • I would like to take an extended road trip across the country with no itinerary, no calendar, no clock, and no destination.
  • I’d like to leave The People’s Republik of Kalifornia and move to an independent, free country like Texas.

But then I realized that I will not be doing any of these things as long as my wife is alive.  And since she is “much” younger, stronger, healthier, and better looking than I, she will probably outlast me.  So I will just be content to kick an empty bucket until the Lord gives me a new "house."

Sunday, March 2, 2014

No More On Moore

In nearly ten years of blogging, I just did something I have never done before.  I deleted the content of a string of comments on one of my blog posts.

It has been my practice to post ALL comments, whether agreeable or not, in the interest of fairness.  Believe me, I am not bothered by negative comments.   BUT, in this case, there was entirely too much angry criticism (all from people who would not reveal their real identities) about one little crack made by a reader in a comment that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE POINT OF MY POST.  In fact, several of the anonymous comments may have been from the same person.  Never-the-less they became unnecessary distractions from the content.

It has been five years since I posted the article about Beth Moore.  And, out of 750 posts, it has been the most read, outranking number two by nearly three times.  Obviously, Beth Moore is an extremely controversial subject.

My reason for the original post was made clear in the opening paragraph.  I was warned by my (former) church leadership to keep quiet about any negative criticism regarding the errant teachings of Beth Moore.  So, since I don't respond well to threats, I posted the tongue-in-cheek, Defense Of Beth Moore in a manner that utilized absurdity to illustrate the absurd.  That was my one and only post about Mrs. Moore and I have remained silent for five years.

But she has not.  Recently I noticed another, sudden increase in interest in my blog post.  And no wonder - she's at it again.  In a recent conference she, once again, has announced new revelation that she has received straight from the mouth of God.  And this time, amid clever scripture twisting, she assures thousands of her followers that she is the real prophet and warns them that scoffers will arise to criticize her and God's new "outpouring."

For anyone finding their way onto my blog in search of information about Beth Moore's extra-biblical revelation and false prophecies, I would suggest the following links: