Tuesday, May 21, 2019

THINGS I WANTED TO SAY BUT MY WIFE WOULDN'T LET ME


I have been waiting a long time to get this off my chest.  These are some of the things I have wanted to say but my wife objected because she was afraid it would have an adverse effect on our business.

But now, we have closed her store and we are moving it far, FAR away so I am finally going to dump the whole load for your edification.  And furthermore, I am doing this on behalf of most business owners who agree with me but are afraid to speak up.

Here are nine of my pet beefs in no particular order. 

1. Don’t get all huffy and insulted by me just because I referred to your little boy as “her.”  It’s not my fault he looks like a girl; it’s yours.  Get him a haircut and some boys’ clothing.  And furthermore, teach him some anatomy.  Tell him to look between his legs.  If he sees something there, HE’S A BOY.

2. Number One applies to adults too.  If I can’t readily tell if you are male or female, it’s your fault; not mine. 

3. When you came in to apply for employment with orange hair, facial tats, nose hair extensions, and you looked like a pincushion, did you really think you had a chance?  I'm trying to run a respectable business and you are scary-looking.

4. When you brought your children into my store and you said to them, “Don’t touch anything!”  I was impressed.  But that didn't last long.  When you needed to repeat it three times before your little brats cleared the threshold, just know this; WE DON’T WANT YOU IN OUR STORE!

5. To the little lady who came in looking for a wedding dress, did you really expect me to believe that you didn’t know your dress size?   When you saw one that appealed to you and asked to try it on, I asked your size.   That wasn’t intended to be an insult.  You told me you didn’t know your size but you wanted to try a size 6.  I said, “I don’t think it will fit because I think you are probably about size 12 – 14,” I didn’t intend that to be an insult,  I was just trying to be kind because you REALLY looked more like a size 34 and I didn’t want you to ruin our garment by forcing the zippers and stretching the seams around your layers of fat.  

Besides, why does a forty-six-year-old, divorced woman want a white wedding gown anyway?

6. Our stuff is for sale.  It is not here for your abuse or entertainment.  And our clothing is not here for you to try on just to take “selfies” for the amusement of your friends on Facebook. 

7. Why do you think it is okay for your little, out-of-control, brats to play with our stuff?   It’s like they have never been told “NO.”  Oh, that’s probably because you’ve NEVER TOLD THEM NO!

7. Yes!  We do allow dogs in our store.  Why wouldn’t we?  After all, we allow undisciplined kids.  Dogs have never urinated on our carpets, spilled food or drinks, destroy merchandise, stuck bubble gum on our clothing, or kicked, screamed, and pitched fits when they didn’t get their ways.  That’s what bratty kids do. 

8.  If you don’t like fur coats or leather boots made from real animal hides,  DON’T BUY THEM!  Nobody is forcing you.

9. When you have to count to three, in order to control your brats, please know this.  We already know, before you start, that you, apparently, don’t know what comes after two and so, we don’t want your kids in our store.    What are they learning from you when you say “One, two, two and a half, two and three quarts, two and seven eighths, OK this time I really mean it.  Stop it right now!  This time I really, Really, REALLY mean it.”

You will never get to three because, if you do,  you will have to follow through with consequences.  Your brats have learned that they do not need to obey on the first or second count.  And they probably already know that you will never say three.  They have learned that there are NO CONSEQUENCES for their bad behavior. 

You are raising little juvenile delinquents who will someday be big criminals.  Just count to three and mean it or, better yet, spank the precious little monsters.


For all my other fellow store owners: YOU’RE WELCOME!


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