Thursday, March 27, 2014

How To Speak In Tongues


Wow! Don't bother watching the attached video. It is approximately 60 wasted minutes of inane, heretical drivel and unbiblical happycrap just to lead up to the actual how-to instructions which took about 30 seconds. Simply take a deep breath and then force out a string of mindless, disconnected, incoherant syllables.

I didn't find these "lessons" very helpful so I appealed to a different source. I found help when I became "filled" with corn chips from the Frito-Lay company. Near the bottom of the bag, when I was well-filled, I found an unusual chip with a dark spot that resembled a motorcycle. That was a sign; that was my miracle. That's when the great potato spirit brought to my mind, Japanese motor cycles.

The potato spirit gave me utterance as I recalled all the different brands; Suzuki, Yamaha, Honda, Kawasaki. That's when I knew I was on to something. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, emptied my mind, and opened my mouth, all while thinking about Frito-Lay's chips. Then it happened; the utterances just flowed naturally. "Hondalay, hondalay suzukilay fritolay, kawasakilay hondalay yamahamalay."
There, I've got it. I feel so much better, now, knowing that I will spend eternity in motorcycle heaven feasting on potato chips.

Next week I am going to try to learn how to regrow missing limbs while smacking amputees upside the head.


8 comments:

Glenn E. Chatfield said...

So where does he find in the Bible that we do something to receive a spiritual gift? That we can do something to make God give us said gift?

And yet there are people who will accept everything this clown says. Sigh.

Pumice said...

You are obviously drifting into heresy. You are mixing corn chips and potato chips. How can you find revelations about potato chips in a corn chip bag?

I will, however, follow your advice about not watching the video.

Grace and peace

Manfred said...

I also want to know how one received anything from the potato spirit while eating corn chips. Very suspicious.

Ralph M. Petersen-Always Right; Sometimes Wrong! said...

@Manfred.

I think receiving something from the potato spirit while eating corn chips is much more believable and likely than the idea that the Holy Spirit causes unintelligible gibberish (as well as all the other nonsensical and out-of-control behavior coming out of the ROFLOL churches.

Manfred said...

@Ralph - I am in violent agreement with you! So many get led astray by mystical visions and dreams and confirmations by songs on the radio that it causes me to grieve. And such people normally looked at you in SHOCKED amazement when you ask them to reconcile such things with Scripture.

I get my visions from Tex Mex food!

Ralph M. Petersen-Always Right; Sometimes Wrong! said...

Back@ Manfred

That sounds interesting. I'm gonna have to look into that TEX MEX food and see what develops.

Ralph M. Petersen-Always Right; Sometimes Wrong! said...

Back@ Manfred

That sounds interesting. I'm gonna have to look into that TEX MEX food and see what develops.

Manfred said...

@Raplh - not all TEXMEX is up to the task. A dear friend and former pastor had a one-state rule that I have found (two data points) to be valid: Do not consume TEXMEX more than one state removed from the Mexican border.

Please check out my Baptist digital library. I manage this and give it away to anyone who wants it - a humble Baptist alternative to the overwhelmingly paedobaptist Puritan Hard Drive: reformedbaptistlibrary.tk